Why we do it.

A question often asked but rarely answered.  Why do we wait tables?  Why would we bother with a job with as much security as a padlock, why this profession?  Simply because people in this field of work are addicted.  Whether that addiction is to drugs, alcohol, sex or whatever the case may be, one thing that all servers have in common is their addiction to money.

Sure, easy enough can people say that they are addicted to money but how many of those would be willing to gamble?  Servers live in a world powered by short-term satisfaction, we enjoy the sudden realization that we have what we have and that the next table might be our key to paying our bills.  Much like a gambler, a server does not have a clue how his earnings are gonna be, some nights can ruin a server and net him no more than a cab ride home or one drink at the Cheesecake Factory but then there are also nights when a server can work one shift and pay off his entire rent for the month; we are hooked to the idea that it will get better and that the next one is the key, often times we don’t realize this and this rubs off as something normal to us servers.

We don’t do it because we enjoy kissing ass.  Anyone who truly enjoys this should not be in the field of fine-dining but instead should be whoring themselves out in an alley.  Sure there might be a couple sicko’s who do enjoy sucking up for a quick buck but more so than not your waiter doesn’t wanna see your face anymore than they wanna scrub the floor.  Waiters are pessimistic by nature, a defense that protects us from the harsh light of reality, the reality that some people just don’t respect our field of work.  So when we get a bad tip we aren’t completely devastated and left in shock, instead we look, curse and move on.

We do what we do because of the thrill it gives, the idea that we can get so much in so little time for the least amount of work.  We do it because we need the satisfaction that we could only get from happy glutinous people thanking us for such a great service when we really hated them.  We do it because you won’t.

Being a server is a damn near thankless job, we do it because no one else would.  We expect to be thanked in monetary gratuity, I mean sure your words can mean a lot but we can’t pay our electricity with thank you’s.

T0day was one of the nights when I had no regulars come in and instead the restaurant came a blaze with the restaurant only having one hostess and four servers.  I had plenty of tables, not quality but the way I made money was from the sheer quantity of them, majority of the people who came today tipped an average of 12%, that is horseshit.  Chaos erupted and food was not on time, everything went wrong yet I still found it relaxing and even beautiful that we we’re stuck in a position like that, no order and no rules.  Something that I’d like to get used to.

I’m writing this because I feel as though people don’t appreciate what we do nor do they know just how difficult it is to serve.  This is also why a fellow or past server is the best tipper, they know how it is.

I’m gonna finish this glass of water and sleep, my body aches and I have so much to do tomorrow.  I just had to get that off my chest…

Sincerely,

Your waiter today.

Hosting

Now Age isn’t a completely off-topic factor in the restaurant business.  Servers range from the age of 20 till your upper 40′s even, but what I’m gonna be talking about is the hostesses.

A hostesses job is to be the very first face seen when you step into our restaurant, they are responsible for sitting the customers, picking up phone calls, standing at the host desk looking pretty, and generally eye candy.  Now I have to agree that I’ve seen a pretty fair share of very attractive hostesses and I can’t even say that I haven’t seen restaurant owners date his hostesses, they are present not because we need them, but because it is one of the finer luxuries in fine dining.

For what they do it seems a thankless job, they do quite a lot and occasionally even helps servers clean up the tables when the server is busy.  They don’t get tips aside from what to-go orders are put and even that is a rarity, they get paid a flat wage and they don’t average nearly as much as us servers do.  Hostesses have no restaurant experience thus they enter the entry level position and they tend to work for sometime and eventually get to the position of waiter or waitress.  So it bothers me to see my fellow servers treat our hostesses like dirt, when they are just trying to do their job.

Recently the owner decided to hire a hostess, fairly good looking and for what it seemed she was competent.  Though one thing that she was lacking in was age.  She was too young to be in a environment such as our workplace and it kind of shows because she almost seems awkward when asked to do something though when she does it, it is executed with grace.  I’m not necessarily saying that she’s a bad worker nor am I saying that she’s good, it looks like she’s an inbetweener(what kind of word is that…).

Today at the restaurant wasn’t necessarily eventful, other than the fact that I got to see the new hostess and eat a cut of NY Prime Reserve steak, all was bleak and money was shallow and here is me hoping for a better tomorrow.

(My rhyming is getting better, maybe I should step into the music industry now.)

Sincerely,

Your waiter today.

Hoe, Hoe, Hoe.

Christmas is coming and so are women dressed in skimpy Christmas clothing.  Enter the lady with a dragon tattoo.  I shit you not, she had a dragon tattoo running from her shoulders down to her arms and it looked notoriously good on that woman with a beautiful physique.

I was star-struck.  She walked in with what seemed to be 5 inch heels wearing dark stockings(I’m a sucker for these) with a bright red dress and what seemed to be a Michael Kors handbag, while the guy who was drooling over her wore a shirt that had a Harley Davidson symbol flaming on his back.  I thought to myself, Jesus… this poor man is being used for his money and man was I right.

The woman seemed to be well versed in raw fish, wine and sake.  It was fascinating watching her talk, such poise, such confidence and all this while remaining to sound as elegant and look as beautiful as the candle that flickers in their table.  She hit the dot, only ordering the finest of all our fish and only getting the most premium of our sake.  I love this table, I get eye candy and I’m bound to get a good tip.  As dish after another was being ordered and there seemed to be almost no stop to the flow of Nigiri and Sashimi, it all comes to a halt.  She seems to be finished and needs no more than a glass of chilled sake.  A total of $210 comes up and it’s time to fess up the cash.  It was heaven or hell for me and I could only hope for a tip as beautiful as this woman.  Sure enough, I was given a $52 tip and got plenty of eye candy.  Fantastic night I say.

I’ve made a good amount of money today, enough to bring up my total take home for this week and that is good enough for me.  I’ve had tables with stunning women only to be stiffed out of a $20 tip but tonight was different, she wasn’t your typical pick up and this was the reason that I got a generous tip.  Kudos to you lady with the dragon tattoo, I hope to see you once more.

To you dear reader, I wish you a happy holidays and maybe find something pleasing in your day.

Sincerely,

Your waiter today.

Hostesses

Hostesses are fine beings, the first faces you see when you enter a restaurant, they seat you, let you know who your server is and are just there to look pretty(essentially).  Now don’t think that these fine looking women are less than their server counterparts cause they are not.  They wear better clothes and don’t have to deal with as much assholes as us servers do though the occasional jerk does come up.

These eye candy type girls have a pretty smile, a charming personality and personal lives that they surely don’t wanna get mixed with work.  The occasional coming in work with glazed eyes, stench of marijuana and all that sorts happen to the best of us and most restaurant owners understand that to work in such a profession you have to be dependent on something, whether it be alcohol, marijuana, cigarettes, hell even the internet, it is not surprising to them.  Now when you over react to something, that’s when you raise a big red target above your head.

Drug testing is rare in this business and when it does the owner gives you more than a months notice, enough time for you to flush whatever drug you had used out of your system.  Though one of my hostesses decided to panic about it.  Now that decision is beyond foolish, why would you do that?  What was fine one night became a schedule change which didn’t have her name.  She was what I like to call “shitlisted”, not on the schedule yet technically not fired.

We have had multiple hostesses in one time, though now we are back to one.  Restaurants tend to chew up hostesses and we go through them like you would pancakes at IHOP.  It’s nothing new, just don’t get attached to them, no need to know them on a personal basis, keep it simple and professional.  Chances are you won’t see them the next week or two.  Over the course of the restaurant opening, a total of seven hostesses had worked under our restaurant and only one was able to stay and this itself comes as a surprise.

I am now wondering who my new hostess would be, what she would look like, would she have a boyfriend, other menial things about her.  Though as far as I’m concerned, it’ll be another short lived relationship.

Sincerely,

Your waiter today.

Seriously…?

When I was in Highschool, I was always told by the teachers that I shouldn’t show too much “Public Display of Affection”, PDA for short because not everyone wants to see me and my girlfriend making out and look like we we’re about to get it on the hallway to gym class.

Well obviously, some people we’re never told this and even to the stages of adulthood still show no decency towards the general public.  A man and what seemed to be his girlfriend show up at the restaurant, they we’re seated in my section and they we’re very friendly, respectful and hell I thought I was gonna enjoy waiting their table.  They start it off with a small appetizer but immediately follow it up with a fairly priced bottle of Pinot Noir, I was smiling and thinking to myself that these people are gonna be generous.  They ordered their meal and the bill, surprisingly only came up to about $70 yet these people stayed in my table for a good hour and fifty minutes, taking up precious real-estate.  I had a feeling that this table will be nice and tip me well since they seem to have overstayed their welcome.

I turn around to get a pitcher of water and refill their drink, only to see them getting it on like rabbits.  Yes, you are right in the middle of my fuckin section, these people we’re nearly feeling each other up as they make-out like they we’re in highschool.  They take a momentary break, so I make my way to their table to hand them the bill, they took it, put a card, and waved me over.  I run it and they stay to talk for about 5 minutes.  They stood up at the same time, held each others hands and walked to the bathroom together, I was thinking to myself “it would be funny if those classless people just had sex in my bathroom”, it then struck me like a lightning bolt, these people ARE gonna have sex in my bathroom.  They both come out about 15-20 Minutes later, with a shit eating grin and an obvious aura of sex.  I cannot believe these people.

I walk to their table to check my tip, I was excited and I knew this was gonna be good since they made it seem that my restaurant was a champagne room.  I was shocked, not because the tip was so enormous, but these motherfuckers left me $9.  They left a mess on the table and god knows they probably made a much bigger mess in my bathroom.  Atleast if your gonna fuck in my restaurant, have the decency to give me a good tip.  Hell even just for taking up my table, atleast make up for the potential money I lost.

I cannot believe people sometimes…  Whatever, he’ll get hit by karma in the form of a std.

Now I’ll have to burn my bathroom… godamnnit.

Sincerely,

Your waiter today.