Plastic

Now I’m not talking about the traditional plastics of Barbie dolls; tall, blonde, skinny, sun-baked and incredibly attractive and as dull as a butter knife in terms of intelligence.  I’m talking about a much more different breed of plastic, the men and women who act highly in front a crowd of friends but inside know that what they spew is all garbage.

Today was a rather slow day, to be expected on a rainy day.  Skip the details on side-jobs and all the sexual harassment done in the first 2 hours and it suddenly is 6 in the evening.  Enter a party of 12 women, celebrating a friends birthday.

Happy Hour is still active and the party decided to get nothing other than the cheap stuff, not surprising but still not what I’d expect from someone celebrating their birth.  Long story short their bill goes up to $270 and a tip no more than $40.

I love cheap stuff as much as the next guy but the fact is they weren’t talking about “cheap” stuff and instead decided to talk about where they plan to travel next, what the new dress they bought is, and all other things that made it seem they had the money when they specifically ask the waiter if doing something would cost extra and when I tell them that adding cream cheese on their roll will cost an extra dollar they decide to get something else.  Don’t pretend, act within your means and maybe I’ll start respecting you and treating you better.  I have customers who I know could barely afford to eat out and let alone tip and I even see them tip me because they know that this is a job for me, they respect me so in turn I respect them.

I’m just ranting because I had to clean up quite a good amount of shit for a tip that didn’t touch enough.

I’m exhausted and I haven’t eaten anything all day… Thank god I have a box of Girl Scout cookies, Thin Mints to be exact.

Time to kick back and gain weight… as I watch Ides of March.

Good night!

Sincerely,

Your waiter today.

Why we do it.

A question often asked but rarely answered.  Why do we wait tables?  Why would we bother with a job with as much security as a padlock, why this profession?  Simply because people in this field of work are addicted.  Whether that addiction is to drugs, alcohol, sex or whatever the case may be, one thing that all servers have in common is their addiction to money.

Sure, easy enough can people say that they are addicted to money but how many of those would be willing to gamble?  Servers live in a world powered by short-term satisfaction, we enjoy the sudden realization that we have what we have and that the next table might be our key to paying our bills.  Much like a gambler, a server does not have a clue how his earnings are gonna be, some nights can ruin a server and net him no more than a cab ride home or one drink at the Cheesecake Factory but then there are also nights when a server can work one shift and pay off his entire rent for the month; we are hooked to the idea that it will get better and that the next one is the key, often times we don’t realize this and this rubs off as something normal to us servers.

We don’t do it because we enjoy kissing ass.  Anyone who truly enjoys this should not be in the field of fine-dining but instead should be whoring themselves out in an alley.  Sure there might be a couple sicko’s who do enjoy sucking up for a quick buck but more so than not your waiter doesn’t wanna see your face anymore than they wanna scrub the floor.  Waiters are pessimistic by nature, a defense that protects us from the harsh light of reality, the reality that some people just don’t respect our field of work.  So when we get a bad tip we aren’t completely devastated and left in shock, instead we look, curse and move on.

We do what we do because of the thrill it gives, the idea that we can get so much in so little time for the least amount of work.  We do it because we need the satisfaction that we could only get from happy glutinous people thanking us for such a great service when we really hated them.  We do it because you won’t.

Being a server is a damn near thankless job, we do it because no one else would.  We expect to be thanked in monetary gratuity, I mean sure your words can mean a lot but we can’t pay our electricity with thank you’s.

T0day was one of the nights when I had no regulars come in and instead the restaurant came a blaze with the restaurant only having one hostess and four servers.  I had plenty of tables, not quality but the way I made money was from the sheer quantity of them, majority of the people who came today tipped an average of 12%, that is horseshit.  Chaos erupted and food was not on time, everything went wrong yet I still found it relaxing and even beautiful that we we’re stuck in a position like that, no order and no rules.  Something that I’d like to get used to.

I’m writing this because I feel as though people don’t appreciate what we do nor do they know just how difficult it is to serve.  This is also why a fellow or past server is the best tipper, they know how it is.

I’m gonna finish this glass of water and sleep, my body aches and I have so much to do tomorrow.  I just had to get that off my chest…

Sincerely,

Your waiter today.

Hosting

Now Age isn’t a completely off-topic factor in the restaurant business.  Servers range from the age of 20 till your upper 40′s even, but what I’m gonna be talking about is the hostesses.

A hostesses job is to be the very first face seen when you step into our restaurant, they are responsible for sitting the customers, picking up phone calls, standing at the host desk looking pretty, and generally eye candy.  Now I have to agree that I’ve seen a pretty fair share of very attractive hostesses and I can’t even say that I haven’t seen restaurant owners date his hostesses, they are present not because we need them, but because it is one of the finer luxuries in fine dining.

For what they do it seems a thankless job, they do quite a lot and occasionally even helps servers clean up the tables when the server is busy.  They don’t get tips aside from what to-go orders are put and even that is a rarity, they get paid a flat wage and they don’t average nearly as much as us servers do.  Hostesses have no restaurant experience thus they enter the entry level position and they tend to work for sometime and eventually get to the position of waiter or waitress.  So it bothers me to see my fellow servers treat our hostesses like dirt, when they are just trying to do their job.

Recently the owner decided to hire a hostess, fairly good looking and for what it seemed she was competent.  Though one thing that she was lacking in was age.  She was too young to be in a environment such as our workplace and it kind of shows because she almost seems awkward when asked to do something though when she does it, it is executed with grace.  I’m not necessarily saying that she’s a bad worker nor am I saying that she’s good, it looks like she’s an inbetweener(what kind of word is that…).

Today at the restaurant wasn’t necessarily eventful, other than the fact that I got to see the new hostess and eat a cut of NY Prime Reserve steak, all was bleak and money was shallow and here is me hoping for a better tomorrow.

(My rhyming is getting better, maybe I should step into the music industry now.)

Sincerely,

Your waiter today.

Human nature?

What drives someone to give?  Is it generosity or sympathy, I mean this whole Christmas thing is bringing up quite a confusion to me.  I expected the restaurant to have slow traffic during the holidays.  People need to spend their money on presents and generally people just have no time to stop and eat due to all the shopping and procrastination that they are doing.  So how is it that my restaurant is managing to stay afloat, hell even do better than before?  To me, it matters little because the more people coming in, the more money I’ll get, simple as that.  Today I had a total of 2 regulars come in, both are couples and both are generally generous tippers.  But for some reason, today seemed a little different.

Their order doesn’t really matter today, the only thing that does is their bill and the gratuity I was left.  A bill of $65 and I was left a $30 tip and a bill of $35 and a $20 tip.  Both are phenomenal amounts and I wonder if this is due to the holidays?  The first couple left with the man giving me a firm handshake and with a very merry greeting of Merry Christmas while the others gave me the tip and didn’t say anything regarding the holidays.  Is it pity that they left me this or genuine generosity?  I’m quite baffled because if I eat at a restaurant during a time like this, I’d definitely pity the poor sap who happens to be waiting my table because rather than spending time elsewhere he has to be at the restaurant reciting the specials as if they we’re some Christmas jingle.  I’d give them a generous tip, reflecting the spirit of the holidays and now I’m torn.  Either way works as long as I make my bills on time but the idea that I made this money through pity makes me feel more dirty than usual…

Christ, Christmas is near and I haven’t even done my shopping…  and this damn Christmas music is getting on my nerves.  I don’t want to be a Grinch but it seems to have rubbed on to me…

Sadly Sincerely,

Your waiter today.

Setting the bar

The title mind sound as if it had something to do with the full bar in the restaurant but it does not… Well partially it does but the title relates to the topic of setting a standard or a goal.  Today was a typical Friday, or so I thought until the clock hit 6:00 PM and I’ve only had 3 tables.  Oh great, this day is gonna be no different than my Thursday and I’ll be going home with no money in my pockets.  Eventually it started picking up and it seemed that everyone except me had about 3 tables in one time as I had just 1, I walk towards the host to ask what the hell is happening only to be told by her that I was next and rotation is just fucking up and that the manager gave the table I was supposed to take to the bitch of a bartender we have.  Fine I thought to myself, I’ll calm down and the night is young, I shouldn’t be worried, it’ll come to me.  Sure enough, customers came in, some of my regulars who are very generous.  This night is starting to look better.

Customers are steady and so is the flow of alcohol, inebriated customers ask for more drinks, more food and thus increasing their final bill of sale and my gratuity.  A table of 5 came in and we’re sat with me, I take their drinks and realize that this table will be having plenty to drink and eat, boy was I right.  A total of 8 Large Draft Beers, A bottle of wine, 3 Cocktails and a hefty amount of food and their bill comes up to a solid $260, good I said, thinking that I’d get a good amount and as I predicted, I was right.  They left me a gratuity of $60, I was content and happy.

As generous as the 5 top was, I got a table of 4 and these people coincidentally happened to be Indian(not Native American), I’ve always had bad meetings with Indians because they seem to always shaft me of my well earned compensation, shaft me they did alright, $70 and they had left me $10, if you ever get to read this, I’d like to tell you that this is why we cannot have nice things.  Don’t think of me as a racist, I simply speak with experience.  It seems to me that only the older crowd of Indians don’t tip, the younger more hip and modern ones tend to be more generous and don’t care how they spend their papa’s money.

I made enough money to set the “highest amount earned in one shift” award, this was a good medal for myself.  I’m a very competitive person and this was the cherry on top.

I have to pack some more because I have to move to my new apartment in about 6 hours… good God, someone help me.

Sincerely

Your waiter today.

Giving a shift.

Giving a shift sounds too close to giving a shit, something that I wish I did at work.  Servers do not have a salary they are paid, if you don’t show up to work, you don’t get jack diddly for money.  A shift is typically 6 hours of work in the restaurant, sometimes more and in a shift is were you make your money.  So since we don’t get paid for not showing up, one would think that a server would rather die than give over a shift even if they are sick or if a damn natural disaster is happening, a waiter would not normally give a shift up.

As you might have noticed, Adan hasn’t been doing very well in terms of monetary compensation for his services.  His sales are up though it seems he’s been approaching it differently.  Needless to say, he needs work and field experience so he can get some real money.  I was scheduled to work the whole week, and this is not good as I need some time to breathe so I offered Adan a shift, this night’s to be exact, I asked him if he’d like to take my Tuesday shift.  He turns it down and I had to work today, I’m not really complaining because I made a pretty damn good amount of money, especially for a Tuesday.  I asked if he could take my shift tomorrow and to that he said he’d love to(after spending too much on our staff bonding day, I have to agree with him on this one.).

This means I don’t make any money for tomorrow and instead have to deal with internal conflicts, in my house, with myself and with the world.  I’m just a normal person, I’m not rich nor am I poor, I’m just getting by, so now why would I give Adan my potential money?  Simple.  Some servers have been stripped of their feelings and emotions and become machines, machines that heed at your command and kiss your ass till your content, so I said some and not all, there are servers that require rest, some time to think and some more rest, now that is me.  If I get no rest, my service goes down and that will affect my money making potential.  So if I rest and am not so tired, grumpy and just mean, I’d make more money.  It’s a win-win for Adan and I, I get to have a break and he gets to make money.  It’s not really sympathy as I don’t care much because I know he can carry himself, it was more a gesture of business.  “You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” comes ringing to me, one day I’ll need some money and I hope he shows me the same.  After all, Adan is one of the servers I do get along with and why make an enemy out of someone I do consider a friend?

So for this coming day, I plan to rest, pack some stuff, go to IKEA and buy some things I need for my new apartment.  The day is nearing and I haven’t even started.  Godamnit, the restaurant is starting to get busy too…  So dear customers, tip generously, don’t leave a mess and don’t treat me like shit or else I swear I will snap and just go insane.  I’m sure you don’t want that to happen, specially when I’m carrying a hot plate.

Sincerely,

Your waiter today.

The power of kissing ass.

Servers gain the skill of persuasion and ass kissing when they wait tables, I can persuade a table to order a certain appetizer or a certain bottle of wine and I can sure as hell kiss ass enough that they’d ask for me the next time they visit.  These are skill sets that not only help the server in the field, but outside the field aswell.

Today, I had a shift that was to start at 3:45PM, I finish all I needed at home at about 2, take a short nap from 2 till 3 and thats when I left my house to venture on the fields of ass-kissing.  I ride a motorcycle and this makes it easy for me to cut through traffic as if it was butter, not only that but it saves me gas and I think I look better in one that I would in a car(I can’t afford a sports-car so this would suffice), as I was riding the road and eventually getting to my destination, no more than half a mile away from the restaurant, I see the lights that no man wants to see, the alternating color of red and blue in a 2003 Police Challenger(I always wanted one of these).  I thought in my head, “Fuck, there goes $300 down the drain, fuck fuck fuck.”, I breathe and try to calm down, the officer pulls up next to me and tells me to go to the parking lot, so I do, I get off my bike, take my gloves off, take my helmet off and immediately my ass-kissing kicked in, “I’m sorry officer” without him even telling me why the fuck I was pulled over.  The officer tells me why, apparently I was weaving in and out of traffic and I also did a U-Turn in a no U-Turn light.  The officer saw in my uniform, Black button up, black pants, black shoes and over-all just black clothing.  He asked me where I was heading, I answer him with “to work, officer”.  He then asks me if its the new restaurant, I say yes and he tells me that he used to frequent the restaurant before this one.  He tells me that next time, don’t be so reckless and remember that the light does not allow U-Turns, I tell him that it won’t happen again and he takes my ID and runs it through the computer, as he was doing this I tell him to stop by the restaurant and I’ll take care of him if he does, I told him my name and to specifically ask for me, he smiled and told me that he’s letting me off with a warning.  This came as a shock to me as I’ve always had confrontation with the law and it always fucks me in the ass.  He told me that he’d be stopping by with his wife sometime and to expect him.

Being a server helped me in this situation in multiple ways.

• He frequented the restaurant prior to this one.
• I kissed his ass enough that he’d let me off with a warning.
• I just got another customer to specifically ask for me.
• More money, less problems. (wow, this sounds so nice, holy shit.)

I’m waiting for this officer and his wife to show up, this man gave me a $300 Tip and I hadn’t even served him his alcohol yet.  Disregard that I barely made any money tonight, I made much more today than I would any day(maybe not Saturday).

Hopefully this coming weekend will do me good.

Sincerely,

Your waiter today.

A simple candle.

Saturdays are great for servers, a single shift will rake you in at the very least, $100 that is if you know how to kiss enough ass. Saturdays are also the days couples go out on a date, couples ranging from High School children to People with 4 kids and barely any life outside their suburban home. The tables I’ve waited consisted mostly of couples, this was no problem to me as couples generally tend to tip very generously and I consider money and I to be in a mutual relationship.

A man and a woman who we’re in their late 40′s came in to the restaurant 30 minutes from closing time, they we’re sat with me and I took care of them. My name is “name” and I’ll be your server for tonight, can I get you guys anything to drink from the bar? A cocktail perhaps? A beer?, I went about my usual routine, informing them about our specials and what not. The couple was hesitant on ordering alcohol due to the price, so I directed to something much affordable and that seemed to put them at ease. They ordered two entrees with no appetizer and the lady had ordered a cocktail, I serve them and they enjoyed the bottle that I brought them earlier and decided to get the one that they we’re so hesitant about, I move the candle and re-arrange the table to have everything in an orderly fashion, I come back with the bottle of wine and their two glasses and I see that they had moved the candle back to it’s original spot, I decide to move it back and the generous man told me, “Don’t move the candle, we rarely get to go out since we have 4 kids so candles are usually out of our touch and this is a night we want to be special”, this caught me off-guard and in all honesty, made me want to serve them even better, I served them as best as I could, walking by to check if they need anything, pouring their wine after the first pour and generally just having conversation and helping them have a good time. I knew that they we’re not my usual clientele that could throw down $200 for a bottle of wine, these people are just regular folks going out and trying to have a break from their chaotic life. The couple finished everything, and asked for the check, I present it to them and gave them a bag for their bottle, they leave and we exchange goodbye’s. The couple was my last table, I clean up what they left, put the bill folder in my apron and walk towards the POS machine, I look at the bill and the couple had left me $16 for a $82 bill. This meant a lot to me, they enjoyed the company enough to be generous even though they we’re hesitant on spending.

Sometimes, a little heart shows up in a servers heart and once it does, the server will do what he can to make sure you enjoy your stay, completely disregarding money(ok, maybe not completely) and its value. Don’t be a jackass just because you don’t go out often and therefore take out your anger and problems on your server. Instead be nice and tell them that the night is a special one, I promise you if the waiter had any decency to begin with, you’ll get such great service that you will be asking for him/her the next time you show. Don’t be a asshole and we will try our best not to be.

Sincerely

Your waiter today.

Be a little patient.

A brand new restaurant that has not done a grand opening suffers the lack of customers and this leads to the staff being unprepared for high volume action.  A typical Friday starts off slow and builds its momentum like a steam locomotive, from one to two tables to eventually a full house.  A restaurant wants a full house and so does the server, assuming that it is in the most perfect environment; the host distributes customers evenly amongst all servers, the kitchen delivers fast and beautiful meals, the manager doesn’t nag on anyone, the bussers clean the table immediately, the bartender gives you the drink right away, but lets get real, none of this would happen on a Friday night of a brand new restaurant.

The restaurant got flooded with customers non-stop from 6PM until closing time (10PM), people waiting 45 Minutes for their entree’s, people walking out of the restaurant due to their entree’s taking 45 minutes.  The restaurant was a madhouse, people calling out to their servers, asking how much longer it is gonna take, how come their food isn’t out and why it isn’t, and all things that the server has no control over.  Servers are obligated to take your order and take it out, we do not cook your food or make your drinks, it is beyond our control what happens inside the kitchen and behind the bar, if you have any complaints take it up to the man who carries around a sharp knife and wears a ridiculous looking hat.  Sit your ass down, wait and let us servers apologize for the kitchen’s incompetency and let us offer you that complimentary desert just so we would get your business back.  The amounts of ass kissing is ridiculous and quite frankly if it wasn’t for the money I could potentially earn, I would tell you to go fuck yourself and leave my restaurant… but I can’t cause I need the money.  But it would be nice for you to be understanding like that lady at D2, who has been patiently waiting for her desert and hasn’t said a single word but as I can see, you’d rather make a scene so I could give you a free meal, well here you are.  Wake the fuck up and smell the roses, this is no soup kitchen, if you want free food you are in the wrong place,

And do not bring your 4 year old to a fine dining restaurant on a busy Friday night, cause your annoying kid that is running around not giving a shit about hot plates, or coffee will surely get his fair share of “owies”.  Take your kid and yourselves to Denny’s, and stay there.

 

Sincerely,

Your waiter today.